The Morning Fire!

                                                               THE MORNING FIRE!

 On those mornings when it is chilly or damp in the house, I often start a morning fire in our wood stove. If the day should warm, the fire unfed goes out. On cold winter days with the right wood, the fire will last all through the night. Today after near sixties yesterday I woke to an outside temperature of thirty-five degrees. Now, as I sit and watch the fire through the stoves glass door I am reminded of past fires. Not just my own, rather the fires that for centuries, warmed peoples hearths and brought that cozy home feeling, that only a wood fire can bring. I picture people with out stretched hands letting the heat from the fire soak into their bodies, in many instances there would be the smell of food, making the association of the fire, even more alluring. Through out most of my adult life, I heated my house with wood, on several occasions I have lived in houses with fireplaces. There is something about the fireplace that kindles in me feelings of home and family, sparking (intentional pun)  an overall sense of deeply soothing, well being. I suppose the memories from my childhood play a big part in all this imagery. The fireplace especially around Christmas time was central too many traditions, like the hanging of stockings. Now for me, it is the wood stove that anchors me to the stream of life. In front of the hearth, is exactly where countless numbers of our species have found contentment and warmth while sitting comfortably watching the flickering flames do their timeless dance. 

I remember a time when I was having lunch at an old New England Inn, a day of Autumn splendor, leaves were ablaze with color, change and chill filled the air, people were already thinking of the upcoming ski season. Walking into the the Inns sitting room, there was a fire softly burning, the fireplace had a flush hearth my favorite, there was no screen holding back the warm glow, comfortable chairs were strategically placed for receiving the fires radiant warmth. I noticed a serving basket of freshly picked apples no doubt recently gathered from a nearby orchard. This scene so completely took me in, I desperately wanted to capture it, this wonderful moment with loved ones. Not wanting it to slip away, kindled that melancholy feeling arising from knowing, "you can never capture these moments". I do realize of course, that this is partly why, they are so precious. This truth has never alleviated the sweet melancholy that I am able to conjure up almost at will, by simply recalling wonderful days like this. In truth I do not want to let go of this melancholy, it has that alluring bitter, sweet flavor.   

As of late I have come to realize that it is the lens through which I am looking that is in control of the brush marks my mind is painting. The totality of everything that has ever appeared before me, made impressions that cause me to look and react to things, in my own particular and unique way. There was absolutely no conscious choice made by me, as to how my mind would interpret what came into its field of awareness. Today the lens is smudged by a feeling that the mind is having a hard time trying to decipher. I have cancer and I may die from it. It is now clear to me that my reaction to this possible ending  has been ingrained in me over the years. My unsolicited conditioning is in charge with various emotions and feelings, arising and falling in my consciousness, fear, acceptance, regret, how fortunate I am for being loved, and a total rebellion of anger for being placed into a situation that I do not have the capacity to deal with nor to understand, this is not only about death it is also about living. Then there is this, no reaction at all. Something natural is going to happen therefore I should simply let it be, let the natural process play out. With what knowledge can I challenge the natural world? I have none. In not accepting what is natural we separate ourself from what is, "natural" in fact this is how we seem to live our lives. It also appears that if we cannot remove the influence of our reactions both conditioned and seemingly innate then we can never actually be free. I have cleaned the glass door on the wood stood which allows for optimal viewing of the fire. Ending the deterrent to seeing life and death clearly begins with awareness. In order to see life and death clearly we must keep the lens through which we are looking clear. The simple fact of not knowing if we can clear the lens and how to do it is the beginning of understanding. I have proceeded as far as my intellect will take me. Therefore any further understanding can only be reached through being aware, that may be like death a natural thing to do! 

DT, AKA Bill Rogan